1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
__________________
Don't let your imagination be your biggest limitation EasyFold
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near.
But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted! her, " Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied,"Madame, I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to **** when you hear the price.
__________________
Don't let your imagination be your biggest limitation EasyFold
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
From the county where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Carrick-on-Suir Ireland.
Recently a routine Gardai patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the Garda said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
True story...
__________________
Don't let your imagination be your biggest limitation EasyFold
I espically like the list. I could kinda see the drunk driving one coming though I thought it would have been that some of the other drivers would have caused an accident
J Walker
Store Manager
---- store 4855
Summit Ridge, Reno, NV, 89503
Mrs. Fenton
Moores Park, Reno, NV, 89503
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
During the preceding 6 months our security staff has been monitoring your husbands activities while in our store. The
list below details his offences, all of which have been verified by our surveillance cameras and we have retained copies
on tape.
We have repeatedly given your husband verbal warnings while he is in this store and he has subsequently ignored
them. He replied to these warning with rudeness and the response “while the wife shops here I will come here too”. We
are therefore forced to ban you, your husband and your family from this store.
The following list details your husbands activates in this store over the past six months.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares and watched what
happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.
September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite the in if they'll bring pillows.
September 23: If any staff offers him assistance he begins to cry and asks, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, and picked his nose.
November 10: While in the gun department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.
December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO!
NO! It's those voices again!"
December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet
paper in here!
J. F. Walker
Store Manager
20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Those are the best ones IMO. I'm going to try 17 sometime but only when I have a large group of friends around me so they'll act like they don't know me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Steedevaney
12 March 2005
September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area I've seen this.
December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO!
NO! It's those voices again!"
December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet
paper in here!
In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Din-Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the solicitor.
Din-Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Din-Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Din-Joe's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie". Din-Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Guard on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Guard came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
JOKE: Maintain your sanity 
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