JOKE: Maintain your sanity

Tech Eagle · #71 26-08-2008, 19:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by EasyFold

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the
man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into
the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on offer, only Eur10 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife
and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a Eur20 jar of
face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,'
she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND
IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE'

I forgot what this thread looks like and to Boot, I'm in the process of knocking back a few cans myself and I have to say, it does work

Steedevaney · #72 27-08-2008, 09:03

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . . . . . .. .

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box darling.'

StillWinter · #73 27-08-2008, 16:45

A lady gets on the bus with her baby wrapped in a blanket supported on her arm..

The driver leans over...'awww--- eh? uck!' he says..'thats the ugliest thing i have EVER seen! sit down the back so i dont risk glancing at it!' he bellows..

So the lady, shaken and upset moves to the back of the bus.. every one looking at her..

as the trip goes on she gets more upset and starts to cry, at the next stop a student gets on and sits by her, deep in a book he hears her sobs.

'whats up?' he says..'are you ok?'

She turns and says 'the driver was very rude and really upset me, ive a good mind to walk up there and give him what for!!'...

the student replies..'you do that..

ill hold your monkey'

randomnamez · #74 30-08-2008, 21:25

ha ha stillwinter good one!

EasyFold · #75 06-10-2008, 19:53

IRISH SPEEDOS

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to
make it with any of the girls.
So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style.
You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - About two sizes
too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.
I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their
faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong
now?'

JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. The potato goes in front!'

EasyFold · #76 09-10-2008, 23:03

Polish man who wants a divorce

A Polish man moved to Aberdeen and married a local girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
-Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
- It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
- No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
- All my relations still in Poland

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
- We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
- No, I am always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
- No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
- She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
- I got proof.

What kind of proof?
- She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'.

EasyFold · #77 24-10-2008, 19:40

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today ,' Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think
if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death.
AMEN

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-
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'