A man with a tiny head walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman turns to another customer and asks, ‘What’s with that guy? He’s got a head the size of an orange! What happened?’ ‘Oh, him?’ the man replies, ‘That’s Dave. He didn’t always have a small head. It all started when he found a lamp in his back garden’.

Dave digs up this lamp, gives it a quick polish and out pops this genie. Not just any genie mind, a female genie. And she’s absolutely stunning. She says to Dave, “He who has released me I grant three wishes. You may wish for anything your heart desires apart from one thing most men wish for and that is to make love to me”

“Damn” says Dave, “That would have been my first wish”. Although cynical Dave says, “OK then lets try this. First I wish I was a billionaire”. The genie snaps her fingers together and suddenly Dave’s house is transformed into a mansion, there are super cars in the drive way and money everywhere. “What is your next wish?” asks the genie. “Please remember you can not wish to have s*x with me”.

Although disappointed, Dave is still excited at this point and thinks of his next wish. “OK then, next I want to be the best looking guy on the planet”. The genie snaps her fingers again and transports her self and Dave into the mansion. Dave walks up to the mirror and sees the most handsome man on the planet staring back at him. At this point Dave is really excited and begins to think really hard about his next wish. “What is your next wish? Remember, it cannot be that you wish to make love to me”

As he’s so excited by what’s happened Dave thinks he should try his luck anyway and asks “I wish that you, beautiful genie, would have s*x with me in every position possible all night long”. The genie responds, “As I’ve said before you can not have s*x with me”. To which Dave replies, “OK then, how about a little head?”

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An elderly lady Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit him being a thorough Man City fan.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, what do I owe you?"
"Oh no madam i couldn't charge you extra"
"Come now, you've gone to all that trouble of getting that beautiful blue suit"

"Honestly it was no trouble at all you see, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. But his wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied. " So it was simple really all I had to so was swap the heads"

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Married 41-years

After being married for 41 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 41 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'



After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...


On the couch...


Naked.

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George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

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Controlled Aggression

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

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LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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This is what SORRY really looks like!!



That is GONNA hurt so much!!



How to handle a problem neighbor!!



Proof that global warming do exist!!



Restroom, what there???

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A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground rod with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

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Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the
man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into
the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on offer, only Eur10 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife
and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a Eur20 jar of
face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,'
she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND
IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE'

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