A teacher gave her class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Sinead said: "My da's says eggs are important and we should eat plenty. One time we were taking our eggs home from the supermarket in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke on the dashboard and made a right mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Fionnula raised her hand and said: "Our family have a farm. We raise chickens for the meat factory. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Fionnula. Shane, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, Miss. My Da told me this story about my Auntie Karen. Auntie Karen went to live in the States in the 1980s when she couldn't get a job. Later she was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bale out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of Irish Whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your Dad tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f*** away from Auntie Karen when she's been drinking.

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Lad walks into a bar, place is deserted. He walks around looking for some staff. next thing he hears someone talking to him 'thats a fine tie you have on sir' he glances around but the place is empty 'I love what you've done with your hair' he starts getting a bit freaked out. The barman appears from the back and asks him why hes spooked, lad tells him he thinks the place is haunted,explains that he thinks a ghost has been talking to him. barman asks him was someone giving him compliments, the lad nods.

'Ah dont worry about that, the peanuts here are complimentary'



Anyone hear about the new renault mccan? Has larger back seats for large luggage.



'Knock Knock'
Whos there?
'Not ******* madeline anyways!'

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10, 1 to hold the lightbulb, the other nine to drink until the room spins.




Three men sign up for the special services. They complete their training are are given one last task by their commanding offiicer.
"In order to become a full special service officer you must show courage and loyalty beyond reason. To this effect you will be given a gun and and told to go into the next room and kill your wife"
The first man goes in with the gun and comes out a minute later. "I'm sorry, I couldn't do it"
The second man goes in and also comes out a mintue later. "I couldn't do it either"
The third man goes in. Suddenly they hear a gunshot then a crash, bang and whallop. He comes out 5 minutes later sweaty and trumphant.
"They were only blanks in the gun, so I killed her with the chair instead".

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Don't fart in bed

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and
I'll pray for you.*

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly
every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell
would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one
day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving
morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he w as upstairs
sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards
and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought
came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,
gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband
of
his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which
was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she
rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of
torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked
him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I
didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day
I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most
of them back in."

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Exiled Gamers our super silver account friends list ADD IT!!
DarkFairyJoJo

That's sick Easy, you should give yourself a one week ban for that.

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Or at least a psychological evaluation....

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"Say it ain't so, Toxie, say it ain't so!!!"

Fella goes into library and ask girl for a book about suicide.


Fcuk off she says, you would't bring it back.



Old lady trying to cross road, John Delaney walks up to her and says, can you manage love? Fcuk off she says, I dont want the job either.

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A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,


"honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now"

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily;

"fix The Light, Now? Does It Look Like I Have An Electricians Logo Printed On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!"

The Wife Asks,

"well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close Right."

To Which He Replied,

"fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have Hotpoint Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So."

Fine, She Says,

"then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door?" They're About To Break."

"i'm Not A Damn Carpenter And I Don't Want To Fix The Steps", He Says.

"does It Look Like I Have Woodies Diy Written On My Forehead? I Don't
Think So. I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going To The Bar!!! "

So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours. He Starts To Feel
Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home And Help Out.

As He Walks Into The House He Notices The Steps Are Already Fixed. As He
Enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working. As He Goes To Get A

Beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed.

"honey", He Asks, "how'd All This Get Fixed?"

She Said,

"well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried.just Then A Nice Young Man
Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.he Offered To Do All The Repairs,

And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake."

He Said,

"so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake Him?"

She Replied,

"hellooooo.......do You See Mr. Kipling Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!

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